Fishing Resolutions for 2011--Resolve to better yourself

Every year I go into January with a new lease on life. Come the first of the year, I can atone for my previous sins by simply developing a list of resolutions that really are a compilation of lessons learned. By promising to adhere to these changes, I get a pass on the poor decisions I made in the last year, which makes this concept as popular as Viagra stock. Below is my list of resolutions, and while I did allude to a relationship between the list and actual events, I would like to add the disclaimer: While these incidents depict actual events that, in theory, may or may not have taken place, they could, in concept, actually occur, but we?re not about to admit it until the statute of limitations runs out. For the year 2011, I resolve to? Never again put a cast net full of gilled baits into a storage locker and say, ?I?ll take care of that later.? Because if later means more than five days, it?s a known fact that a pilchard will morph into 30 maggots in that amount of time. Refrain from eating and drinking while reeling in a bait and taking on the cell phone. Who?da thunk the four things can?t be done at once? After screwing the phone into my ear, casting a Coke overboard and almost putting a whole squid in my mouth, I realized talking college football to a friend from a previous employer can be a hazardous experience. Avoid grabbing spinner sharks by the tail just to see what will happen. Did you know a shark can grab its own tail? Me too. Face ladyfish away from everyone in the boat when unhooking them. And to never point their stomach at someone and give them a squeeze as a way of saying, ?Dude, you?re getting on my nerves.? Release a blackfin tuna. But I?m going to have to catch one under 12 pounds, because all the rest of them have a reservation for the ginger and soy rooms at the House of Wasabi. Never mix domestic beer and imported beer, lest any guest on my boat misunderstand which cooler is theirs. Purchase an amp meter, so that I no longer have to test battery connections by tapping them with a finger, screwdriver or pliers. And touching a trolling motor wire to a wet deck where children are playing and watching for a reaction is absolutely out of the question, even if it does quiet them down for 30 minutes. Stop calling the forward port storage compartment the ?Penalty Box.? And to no longer refer to seabirds stealing bait as a ?double minor.? Refrain from taking performance enhancing drugs if my anglers will agree that while driving wide open in a 3-foot chop will get us to our destination quicker, it has no direct correlation to how many bad casts they are going to make. Let the big dog eat, if the oil industry will make an effort to get fuel prices below gold prices. Stop calling certain television fishing show hosts that irritate me Corn Tooth, Brick Head, and living proof that Indians had sex with buffalo.  Aw, who am I kidding, those guys just get on my nerves. Never again point out that a livewell is like a potty with a continuous flushing mechanism. Because in a pinch, you know someone is going to take that description seriously. Make a concerted attempt to remain stationary on deck at all times and to relinquish my attempt to set the distance record for sneaker sliding. I can only adhere to this resolution if the mates on the boats I board will promise to remove all lunch meat, baitfish and plastic soda bottles from the cockpit the second they hit the deck. Refrain from using evolution, survival of the fittest, the natural food chain and the merits of reincarnation as arguments for why every pilchard in the livewell has to die. It?s just the way it is, and everyone should accept it without argument. Listen to your dirty joke, if you promise not to tell it while someone is on their cell phone. I?m getting tired of customers whose wives call them out on it only to have them say, ?Oh that wasn?t Bob, that was our captain.? Eat better, exercise more, watch a surfing video, drop a teal at 40 yards and refrain from using the phrase, ?Hey guys, watch this.? That?s all I?ve got, but give it a few weeks and I?ll have plenty of fodder for next year.