How to Talk to Your Child's Coach

In the ideal world, your child's coach would actually approach you before any sort of problem had time to take root. He would explain in simple terms what the problem was, and what he proposed to do about it, which would be a wonderfully kind and reasonable solution, and you would agree with him, and everything would be terrific.

Earth to Mom! Hello out there, are you listening?! This is the real world. Many youth coaches view parents as obstacles to their coaching duties, speed bumps that need to just be driven over. They may listen to you, pretend that they care about your concerns, and then completely ignore the situation once you have walked away. Or they may react negatively to you as you are speaking, and respond either belligerently or condescendingly to your comments. No matter how they react, you do not really know how they are going to treat your questions or concerns, and you may walk away wondering why you even bothered speaking to the coach in the first place.

Effective communication between parents and coaches is possible, though, and should theoretically be as easy as talking to your child's teacher. (OK, maybe that doesn't go so well, either.) You should feel free to express opinions and share personal information about your child without fear or repercussions or reprisals.

Here are some tips to keep in mind, which may make the process smoother and less painful.

1. Before approaching the coach, talk the situation over with your child to be sure that you understand the complete context and your child's feelings about the situation. Do not go into the conversation uninformed.

2. Depending on the age of your child, you should encourage him to talk to his coach himself. This may not be possible with very young children, but by the time your child reaches high school, he should be dealing with his own issues by himself. You can give pointers, such as addressing the issue of not getting enough playing time by asking, "What can I work on to improve my chances of getting more playing time?"

3. Wait for a pattern of behavior from the coach, not one isolated incident. Even coaches make mistakes. Give him the chance to work out issues without parental interference, and only step in if it appears to be something that he is not addressing to your satisfaction.

4. Before approaching the coach on behalf of your child, consider whether the issue is individualized to your child, or can apply to the entire team. You may better influence the coach's behavior if you talk to other parents and approach him as a group.

5. Make sure your child is present, even if he does not talk. You can model good conflict-resolution behavior for him, and he will also be an eyewitness and not have to imagine how the conversation took place.

6. Choose the right time and place to discuss things with your child's coach. Just before, during, or immediately after a game are not the right times. And in front of other parents and players is not the right place. If possible, arrange a neutral meeting time and place for your discussion.

7. Watch your tone of voice. Women have a tendency to get emotional, and then their voices tend to get higher-pitched and they often end their sentences as a question, on an up note. Be aware of this, and try to pitch your voice lower and avoid sounding as if every sentence is a question. You want to appear confident and self-possessed, not whiny and unsure.

8. Watch your body language. Stand or sit firmly but comfortably, and do not cross your arms over your chest. This tends to show that you are inflexible.

9. Be assertive and polite, not aggressive. Avoid pointing fingers and placing blame, and try to focus on behaviors and not personality traits.

10. Listen respectfully when the coach is speaking to you, don't just be planning what you intend to say next. Of course, listening respectfully to him will be a lot easier if he is listening respectfully to you.

11. Be prepared to compromise. You may not get exactly what you want, but you should be able to get at least some of what you want.

12. Know when the battle is lost, when the opposing forces are dug in too deeply. Understand going in that you may not be able to influence the coach at all. If this is the case, then you may have to regroup and re-think how the issue is affecting your child, and what other alternative actions you may have to consider.

With a good coach, a discussion should be friendly and cooperative. With a bad coach, it may be more like a battle. You have to decide which battles are worth fighting, and which are better left alone.