14 year old, done everything, may get cut

Question
Hi again Tom.  You did such a great job helping me with my first question, I have one other.

It concerns my older daughter, age 14.  She has played volleyball since 4th grade; played for the parochial school team; participated in a lot of camps; played in summer leagues, etc.

She is the kind of kid that you have undoubtedly seen many times throughout your coaching career:  always smiling, works hard, listens to the coach. . .but always a step or two behind your quickest player, on the short side, an inch below average on vertical jump.  She makes very few mistakes. . .but does not dazzle.  She is a role-player:  a good back row passer, a competent backup setter, etc.  She is the kind of girl that has had to make up for lack of natural athletic ability through brains and preparation.  She has never quit a team or missed a practice and never, never whines.

She is entering a new high school as a freshman in August and will try out for a very good freshman volleyball team.  There will be about 20 girls competing for 16 spots (an A team and a B team).

My daughter has done everything one could possibly expect.  She played summer volleyball for a club team.  She attended the high school抯 summer VB camp; volunteered to help the coach work with the younger kids in the afternoon.  She has worked hard to lose 20 pounds in the past six months.  She is engaged in a 30 day training program with her parochial school coach. . .running distance and sprints. . .agility drills. . .jump rope, etc.  Next week she will attend a week-long volleyball intensity training session held by a local club.

Despite all the hard work, I have to accept the possibility that she will do all this and her absolute best in the tryouts. . .and still not make the team.

My question for you is this:  As a dad, how should I help her deal with this?  What is plan B?  

My initial plan was to get her into a non-school league that plays matches through September and October in preparation for club tryouts.  Then have her try out for a club team.

What are your thoughts?

Answer
Hello Dave:

I brought a man to my house for a free termite inspection for the 4th year in a row.  He'd never found any before; but, this summer he found some and showed them to me.  Did I want to hear that?  No.  Is he an expert?  Well, I'm the person who invited him to my house for the 4th year, so I must have thought he was.  

Did I criticize him?  For telling me what I didn't want to hear?  After I'd asked him to come back over and over and over AND praised his previous work?  

So......when an expert doesn't give a person the advice that he wants to hear, the person punishes the expert?  That just sounds odd to me.

My job, as an "expert" on this site, is to tell people what I see.  If I see/feel/hear termites, I'll show people termites.  But I could be wrong.  They may not be termites at all.  I may not be an expert at all.  But then, if I'm so wrong .... why was I asked to look over and over?  That's odd.  

Have a great day, and I hope that you've visited www.coachhouser.com!  I'm now in Pennsylvania and my staff is directing our final camp of the summer.  Have a great summer.  Please let me know how tryouts go.  

Coach Houser


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Hello Dave:

I'm going out on a limb:  I don't know who is the more stressed about this, your two girls or Dad?  If vball doesn't work out, the girls have dozens other activities they can do.  Sure, high school w/o vball isn't what the girls or the dad would prefer, but there is dance, theatre, forensics, yearbook, other sports, chess, debate, getting a babysitting job, then getting a "real" job, taking college classes, volunteering at the hospital/nursing home, paint, etc.

Playing a certain sport in high school isn't the most important thing in a kid's life.  There's a bigger picture.  Here are three examples.  At our local high school, Kendall was cut in 2005.  She immediately transferred to a private school, went there on scholarship for 2 years and was named 1st team all-conference.  Samantha was cut from Roanoke Juniors, so she played juniors for an easier program!  After a year, she came back, and made a Roanoke Juniors team.  WOW!  Stephanie didn't change schools, but stayed and improved her class rank from #17 to class valedictorian.  As far as I know, each set of parents were there to hug, wipe tears, and say, "Yes, let's do that!  Want to fill out the paper work now?"

Each girl would have had little/no role on the team that cut them; so, when the proverbial door was closed on them, they bolted through the open window. In other words, they made the best of the situation.  Your daughters will too, as long as you don't waste your energy running to the school board, running to the principal, making crazy accusations b/c YOU ARE so hurt/embarrassed.  And you'll be thought of as a short-sited, ignorant, "I don't care about team, I care about ME" fool along the way.  

As long you're there to support and help her pick up the pieces, then she will learn to adapt.  This won't be the last time she'll be rejected by a team, or a boy, or a school, or an employer.  So it's a learning experience that a parent can help a child with, and make it worse.  

Now to your question.  Plan B?  If either of your girls are cut in their athletic future, let it be their decision if they want to continue.  If one of them asks, "What would you do?," I recommend you say, "It's your decision baby.  I'll be here to help you.  You make the decision."  So there is no plan B.  Just make a few notes about what's available, and remind her of the deadlines to enter/enroll/tryout.  She'll come to a decision.......or she'll let all the deadlines pass.  Let her decide.

Again, giving up vball or bball won't be the hardest thing your child will ever do.  Wait until your daughter has to attend the funeral of a grandparent, mother or father.  I've have to bury my dad.  It's much harder than giving up a sport, going through a divorce, being dumped, etc.  I know.  

I hope you have a great weekend.
The Alaska camp is over.  You can see some awesome pics at www.coachhouser.com.  Please visit me sometime.  
Coach Houser