quitting

Question
Coach Raphael my son is 12 years old and has been wrestling since 5. It is the one sport he has ever done that he truly has a natural talent for over the years we have taken in to many tournaments and this year we spent lots of time and energy exposing him to lots of different experiences, many coaches and wrestling with very good kids which quite frankly made him one of the best technical wrestlers in our area. of all the years that he has been wrestling this was turning out to be his pinnacle year so far. At matches he was pinning or technical falling all his opponents.  there are very few people he has lost too. We have found out when Jonathan is down in a match he tends to give up or quit.We can't seem to understand what happens, something just clicks he looks at his coach or his father and lays down on the mat and lets himself get pinned. This year it happened very early in the season and he said the kids he was wrestling were too hard. We keep stressing to him not to give up. Most recently a week ago he was in a state qualifying tournament the finals and the win would of sent in to elementary states in our state. The kid he was  to wrestle is someone we have known through the years in the wrestling circles. he has beat him before and we were all confident he would have a good match. He blessed himself before the match seemed happy and upbeat, 30 seconds into the match the kid got two points on him he looked at his coach with a tear in his eye and laid down flat on the mat to be pinned. That is exactly what happened and we were all in awe. Pretty much the entire auditorium who had been watching the match pretty sure my son would win. well needless to say we were deviate and decided he needs to been done now for the season. we have been trying to talk to him about what he wants to do but he really is not a talker. so many people called concerned about him please help me as to what i should do. we want him to take time off a long time but i don't know if he wants too how do i make such a decision if i don't know it will help him or hurt him in the long run

Answer

Matside Pre-Match Ritu Hi Tina,

Thank you for the question and I apologize for taking so long to respond. I am in the middle of ramping up with my uncle (Bobby Douglas - Iowa St) for the upcoming NCAA national in Nebraska this weekend. I must say , first, that I feel for your situation with your son. Perhaps you can find comfort in knowing that this is not an uncommon scenario, as in my thirty+ years of coaching, I have seen this many times. It always comes as a shock, usually right at the pinnacle as you indicated, but it is more devastating when it happens at the high school level in a champion's senior year. You are blessed because you have plenty of time to examine an array of options in your case. First, an perhaps the most simple remedy would be to give him a deserved time off from wrestling. Take him fishing, camping, amusement park,etc. Whatever makes him genuinely happy or causes him to have fun, and is non-competitive, do it, and do it with gusto. Steer your conversations with him strategically about anything except wrestling. He will find comfort therein, and this will relieve the pressure that has built up over time. This procedure might take a year, but I assure you, as the champion waiting inside him starts to mature, he will begin to fester from being inactive. He will feel uncomfortable about not staying in shape for wrestling and he will feel the void from taking time off - he will genuinely miss being a part of wrestling and all that goes with it. When your 'non-talker' starts to verbalize these concerns, I would bring up a wrestler that he admires or has been in competition with (nemesis) and as an opposing proud parent would do, I would mildly brag about what this wrestler has achieved. As in any sibling rivalry, your son will most likely be disenchanted that you are following someone's accomplishments and will want to rekindle your approval and excitement with the progress that he had once diligently maintained. It is then that you must step in and be firm, and remind him that in wrestling there are no guarantees from season to season - especially in a sport where an injury can end your career prematurely. This will cause him to understand that you cannot take anything for granted and to get his piece of the dream while he can. Ultimately, this should help set him straight, wrestling will become fun again, and with his emotional maturity developing, he will pursue his quest with a new-found vigor, and at that point, he will be able to pursue the challenges as a new mission in life. I have often utilized the scenario with my underdog wrestlers at the national level that get bogged down with the pressure of what appears to be a formidable opponent. I remind them that the mind cannot discern what is real or what is imagined. If I know that my wrestler fears an opponent, I propose the scenario of what would you do with this opponent if he slapped your sister at the concession stand, or pushed your Grandma down some bleacher steps at a tournament - how would you respond? Would you cower from confronting him, or would 6 minutes even be long enough to exact a beating upon his head? All have agreed, across the board, with the latter, and many have taken the fight to an opponent unexpectedly with this picture in the back of their respective minds with a considerable degree of success against staggering odds. Hopefully, this will give you some peace of mind in your approach, and comfort in knowing that all is not lost. I would be happy to converse with him in any format. Perhaps he will open up to an objective stranger. I know that my uncle would also be happy to send him some words of encouragement as well. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance. Good luck in your pursuit of your son's happiness and well-being!

Yours in the Quest for Gold,

Coach Raphael